"Anytime four New Yorkers get
into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just
taken place."
Johnny Carson
"Our country has come a
long way: first we had George Washington, who couldn't tell a
lie. Then we had Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the
truth. And now we have Al Gore, who can't tell the
difference..."
Jay Leno
"Al Gore ... he once was
pro-life, now he's pro-choice. He once was against gun
control, now he's for it. He claimed he invented the
Internet. Hey, Gore just needs to debate himself!"
Jay Leno
"Some
people are asking why did Beijing, China get the 2008 Olympics. The word is
China got the Olympics under the theory that giving a country the
international spotlight will help them correct their human rights
violations. It worked so well for Hitler in 1936..."
Jay
Leno
"A study in the
Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I'd just
like to say to the authors of that study,
"Duh!"
Conan O'Brien
"It has no value.
It's entertainment. It's chewing gum. I think it's crazy, I think it's the
stupidest show on television. It's not worthy of analysis."
Talk show host Jerry Springer, dissing his own show.
"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having
him catch his hand in the drill."
Johnny Carson
"The
last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into
Paris
under a German flag."
David
Letterman
"I
don't know why people are surprised
that France won't
help
us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get
the
Germans out of France!"
Jay
Leno
"Some Iraqis are looting the
Presidential Palaces, taking stationary, ashtrays, and even a Grand Piano.
Reporters say they haven't seen looting like this since Clinton's last day in
the White House!"
Jay Leno
I’m getting annoyed with these allies of ours. Like in Europe they’re calling the United States "The bully of the world." You think so? When you were a kid, do you remember the bully taking a vote before he kicked your ass? Here’s my question: If we’re the bully, how come everyone else gets to tease us, call us names, threaten to kill us and then we have to give them our lunch money?
Jay Leno
"Books were my pass to personal
freedom. I learned to read at age three, and soon discovered there was a whole
world to conquer that went beyond our farm in Mississippi."
Oprah Winfrey US TV personality, actress
"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently,
three out of every four people make up 75% of the population."
David Letterman
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