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Quotes of Comedy (Comedians and Writers)
I live by this credo: Have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations. Even in your darkest moment, you usually can find something to laugh about if you try hard enough.
Red Skelton (1913-1997)
"Bring a baby to any grown-up -- even the gruffest or most inhibited -- and watch what happens. Without exception, they will do something to try and make the baby laugh. Psychologists, anthropologists, and other experts have theories about why this is so. For me it's enough to believe that whenever a baby laughs, our humanity is somehow exalted."
Jack Moore, U.S. comedy writer,
"Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did."
Jimmy Durante (1893-1980) US comedian
"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."
Woody Allen, US screenwriter, actor, director
"The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be."
Jerry Seinfeld American comedian, entertainer
"You get a lot of tension? You get a lot of headaches? I do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children"
Rosanne American comedian, entertainer
"I don't know anything about luck. I've never banked on it, and I'm afraid of people who do. Luck to me is something else: hard work - and realizing what is opportunity and what isn't."
Lucille Ball American actress-comedian (1911-1989)
“When women go wrong, men go right after them."
Mae West
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."
Charlie Chaplin
"One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself."
Lucille Ball (1911-1989) US actress, producer
"Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair."
George Burns (1896-1996) American actor, author, comedian, vaudevillian
"Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together"
Milton Berle
"In a 'USA Today' interview, Vanna White said since her son has been born, she wants to work less. Vanna, you turn *tiles* for a living. If you worked any less, you'd be the triangle player in the 'K.C. and the Sunshine Band.'"
Dennis Miller
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so I ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
Emo Phillips
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
Emo Phillips
"I understand life isn't fair, but why couldn't it just once be unfair in my favor?"
Christy Murphy, comedian
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain, and bought jewelry."
Rita Rudner Comedian
"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
Henny Youngman
"A day without sunshine is like, you know.......... night."
Steve Martin
"No gold-digging for me... I take diamonds! We may be off the gold standard someday."
Mae West
"When I was born, I was so surprised, I couldn't talk for a year and a half!" ...
Gracie Allen
"A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her."
W. C. Fields
"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."
W.C. Fields
"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."
Woody Allen
"I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it."
Bill Cosby
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
Lily Tomlin
"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."
Wendy Liebman
"Spring is Nature's way of saying 'Let's party!'"
Robin Williams
"One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself."
Lucille Ball (1911-1989) US comic actress
"Excuse the mess but we live here."
Roseanne Barr (1952-) US actress, comedian
"Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them."
Lily Tomlin
"The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop."
P. J. O'Rourke
"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."
Victor Borge
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
Bill Cosby
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."
Bob Hope
"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
Jack Benny (1894-1974)
"Life is a great big canvas and you should throw all the paint on it you can."
Danny Kaye
If you have other good Quotes to add please E-mail me
