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MURPHY'S LAWS
and Others Reasons Things Go Wrong
Page 13
ACTIVITY SPECIFIC LAWS: COPS
If you find errors on these pages... it's to be expected
1. Bullet Proof' vests aren't.
2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall,..... punch, kick and choke.
3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.
4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
8. Flash suppressors don't really.
9. If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
12.. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on `Eyewitness News'.
13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Narco Investigators, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal
14. When a civilian sees a red light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.
19. On any call, there will always be more `bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
20. The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer."
23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
24. If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team.
25. The likelihood that you are speaking to an undercover law enforcement officer, is directly proportional to the number of personal questions being asked of you.
26. Dogs do not see the badge as a person of authority, they see lunch.
27. Laser sights work both ways
28. Cops arrive late to the scene of crime.
29. The number of years on the job is directly proportional to your waist line.
30. The number of people who lock their keys in their car is directly proportional to how bad the weather is.
31.In general, a persons' innocence is often diametrically opposed to how much they insist that they are.
32. Any time you decide to do something, even slightly against the law, a police officer will just so happen to be near enough to see it happen.
33. Your Testimony in Court is unnecessary until both you and your wife coordinate the same time off work together.
34. Always be sure to give the guy who complains about paying your salary his nickel back before you write his ticket; It will leave him with a better impression of your services.
35. The further away the call is into the sticks directly relates to the likelihood you will need a restroom after you are back in service.
36. Nobody needs a cop while the cop is around.
37. Cops are society's Sacrificial Lambs. Hey, at least we're not their Jackasses. That would be the Brass.
38. Even when you're not on call, you're on call. Just ask the Sgt., who doesn't want called.
39. On an extended Crime Scene, when someone shows up with the doughnuts and coffee, the cops who usually get them are the ones standing around doing nothing and could have gone themselves.
40. If a meter maid tells you that you can park there, then most likely you will get a ticket.
41. Your brassard and your badge won't stop bullets.
42. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
43. Don't look conspicuous - it antagonizes the Brass
44. When in doubt, empty your shotgun.
45. Never share a patrol car with anyone braver than you.
46. Not wearing body armor attracts bullets and knives.
47. If your response goes well, you're at the wrong barracks.
48. Your Patrol Supervisor will show up when you're doing something really stupid.
49. The time it takes to respond to an emergency is inversely proportional to the importance of the call.
50. The warrant you don't read is the one you'll serve at the wrong quarters.
51. Every thorough investigation leads to confusion
As the laws are presented on my weekly e-mail list I will add them here. Come back each week or see them first by sending an e-mail to murphy-subscribe@topica.com
If you have other Murphy type "Laws"to add please E mail me
